journal 11 - almost cured

dear diary,
i finally decided to go get checked out... im sick of being sick.  i know, i know... i sooooo didnt want the antibiotics. but my dad got me thinking about it and kinda pushed me to take a further step.  i called telehealth this morn and the nurse told me i need to see one today or tomorrow.. so i just called in lol and went today... well im gonna get better at least...
ive been doing relatively well with the whole depression thing too.. ive been in a relatively good mood for the last few days with nothing too crazy.  i think this has to do with all the good news and great distractions including: ive lost 11 lbs now so far, we got a wii fit to exercise with, im pretty sure im getting into nursing, jaim and i are getting along, my and my fam are getting along, etc etc...
but yeah... overall good.

i'll keep you posted ;)

journal 10 - canadian honey

dear diary,
so yesterday was a pretty decent day actually.  we got the wii fit and i tried it out while jaim was at work - it was mint! i had a good amount of fun and i felt great after... today im going to do it again and jaim and i are going to go for a ride on our new bikes when she gets home from work.  im really excited for that... also i got all my marks in, and i got a 74 average for this year's classes... i made an appointment with and admissions officer to see where i stand for gettting into nursing... im really nervous... lets hope i get in!

 i'll keep you posted ;)

journal 9 - huge

dear diary,

so jaim and i had a huge fight today. it was really shitty. i think she is starting to become affected by her depression again.  i feel like im getting attacked every time we fight.  it makes it really hard to have an effective argument. i dont really wanna talk about it again... its really confusing and it was really unnecessary.  just know that i was not the one under the influence of depression for this one.  i was a little crazy, but i just couldnt figure out what to do.
jaim and i got bikes today. im really excited for us to have something to escape the apartment and do together that doesnt involve money (other than the price of the bikes and accessories).

thats all for now... ill keep you posted ;)

journal 8 - the good the bad and the ugly

dear diary,
had another appointment today.  she helped me sort out somethings relationship-wise.  i learned that jaim and i need to take some time to REALLY communicate.  no more of these fights that solve our problems for like all of twelve minutes.  tonight we decided on a "date/communitcation" night.  every sunday we are going to take the time to at least talk thoroughly about our week.  the good the bad and the ugly.  we both decided that the things we discuss from now on are either going to get fixed permanently or not.  either it will be an ongoing issue that we will continue to discuss until it is fixed, or it if we both agree that it is fixed, it will not be brought up again unless its a new issue.  the only reason im posting this plan is because im hoping it will serve as a reminder to both of us that we can push through this as long as we can stick to the plan.  the fact that we even have a plan is more of a step in the right direction.. something we have been lacking for quite some time.  if it doesnt work, then we have the capability of re-evaluation. thats the beauty of a long term relationship... neither of us are willing to give up when things get tough.
we also discussed the idea of me starting medication.  i told her that i dont want to take it, but if she doesnt have the patience or the ability to support me indefinitely while im struggling, then we need to consider me taking medication to at least alleviate a couple of our problems.  we both decided that we'll try to keep going without me being on drugs for now, to see if the counselling will continue to help.
lets see how it goes!!!

ill keep you posted ;)

journal 7

dear diary,
sorry for the break in my writings.  i guess its because generally things have been good.  james moved me teams, and that was a big deal for the rest of my shift wednesday, but since ive been on paula's team, its almost like i dont have any pressure anymore.  its nice to be on a team that actually makes me feel like they want me... its a little more strict, but thats not necessarily a bad thing.
jaim and i had a fight the other night... it was hard to deal with, since i just started a bad headcold also and she started the fight right when we tried to got to bed.  i want her to be able to talk to me when things start bothering her rather than her blowing up at me days or hours later.  its like she holds a subtle grudge against her ex bf, and so when something happens with me, she blends the two grudges and it causes it to be exponentially worse.
other than that, we won a 2 night trip to the states, which will be a nice getaway.  also, i got to visit with some old friends this weekend.  it was really nice to feel like i had friends that wanted to see me.

until next time... seacrest out!

journal 6

dear diary,
the worst day of work every almost. for some reason i was able to manage the anger that i accumed... i think it was the fact that i had someone to talk to today that allowed me to blow off my steam.  she just agreed with me and contributed to the convo as well.  i also brought my meditation balls with me that i got from chapters one time.  it was helpful to just play with them when i wasnt really paying attention to them.  also we didnt take calls like all day due to some technical issues.  so i didnt have time to think about my issues since i was busy conversing with neighbours.  my only big problem was that my super (the one i used to be friends with) moved me to another team because we apparently in conflict of interest now.  we also got in a huge fight that made it harder on myself... because now he will go out of his way to make my life hell there...
yay

oh well day off tomorrow!!!

ttyl diary ;)

journal 5

dear diary,
yesterday was a great day.  at first i was having a hard time thinking about the day before, it actually put me kinda catatonic for a bit.  i felt really bad too cause jaim was trying to get me up and at em' but it wasnt really working.  at my counselor appointment, i learned a few things that might help me: fake it til you make it, breathing, and start to acknowledge my thoughts (eg. as either normal or depressed thinking).  i think these things will help, but i must practice them ahead of time, so that when i have another episode i can rely on those techniques to kick in automatically.
well off to work!

journal 4

dear diary,
so yesterday started off pretty good... i think i did ok on my exam and it was my last exam of the year.  the real fun began when i got to work.
first, someone was sitting in the seat i've had for a year (i know this shouldnt upset me be but it did). I then spent 1/2 an hour trying to find a computer that works. the first 4 computers didnt work.  this frustrated me because apparently they are known to not work (i asked a supervisor to put up signs on them saying they dont work).  so i then asked my supervisor to help me find a computer.  my supervisor used to be a good friend, however we have apparently had a fallout and now its starting to affect our work relationship.  i had to say his name like 5 times before he acknowledged me, then he proceeded to make me feel like a big pain in the ass even though he was just chit chatting with another supervisor.  this was all very frustrating, and i was very upset to start my shift at work.  on top of this bullshit, my first call of the day was a residential customer freaking out because his emails do not work for his business.
the 2 supervisors and another friend from work whom i hang out with all the time were chilling and have some good convo and i guess decided that i was not part of the group today, or at least thats how i felt.  they didnt look at me, say hi, or anything... i had to say hi to them, and they just continued with their convo. normally this wouldnt bother me but they usually are warm and welcoming to me.   oh well, im done trying to be friends with people.  i dont need to be friends with people that are only my friend when they want to be (i wish i could actually do this but i care about my friends too much).  oh and they also all went for lunch together without me.
i feel like such a paranoid freak but i've felt distant from these friends for a while and i wish they would just tell me whats going on.  even if i asked them they would just say nothing's going on.
anyway, that all happened within an hour, and i was extremely upset.  normally i can come out of that mood and just continue with my day. however, i can feel my blood pressure and the rage... this cant be good... heart problems run in my family and that adds to my stress.... these feelings scare me.   i felt like i could have smashed my computer, or just walked off the job.  and once i got in that mood, i could feel myself being critical of everyone around me (the way they looked, or how they were doing their job, etc.). i also get really snappy towards people fast. i feel out of control and i hate this.  i hate myself. i dont want to be this person anymore.
i stayed for 2.5 hours until i could not take it anymore.  i decided to leave early (something i didnt wanna do because i need the money). the bus was going to be another 28 mins so i decided to start walking.  i made it halfway home and the bus came so i took it the rest of the way.  i listened to music the whole time.  not really improving my mood.
then i got home and jaim had a bubble bath and a beer waiting for me.  she really helped me out.  my mood improved significantly once i got home and into that bath.  it was like i just needed someone to care for a second.
i wish i could control myself like used to. it really scares me to think of who i am now.  i want to go back. but i feel out of control. i cant figure out how to change this.  and its getting bad fast. im scared im going to do something stupid to something or someone.  i dont want to hurt anybodyin any way.  but im getting scared that its only getting worse and that this anger inside me is just gonna blow anyday...

School's out.

Omg it feels so good to be done school... Now I just get to be nervous about getting into nursing...
Sent via BlackBerry® device provided by TBayTel.

journal 3

dear diary,

80% of my day was alright... it got shitty around the same time nathan and sam came over. first of all, i was kinda upset that they hadnt talked to me all weekend (nathan always calls me to play halo lol). i thought at first they wanted a bit of time alone, then i found out they spent the whole weekend with her friends. also, nathan did laundry here... everytime sam is in town, they only come over to do laundry. while they were here, jaim decided to help me out with my phone because its new and i was having problems with it. she wasnt listening to me tell her about the problem, so i asked her to give my the phone back. at this point she decided to belittle me in front of the company, and also start an argument. we've talked about this before but every once in a while she will do it again. i ask her to wait until later to talk about the problem, but she still raises her voice and tries to start an argument. i think she does this on purpose because it always makes me look like an ass, and no matter what i say i always come off as being a controlling jerk. also, i can tell these situations are different from regular arguments because in a regular argument it will escalate on its own, but in these arguments jaim goes from 0-60 instantly, escalating the issue before we even have a chance to discuss it. after the company leaves and i bring it up, she will apologize and say she never meant it... and that she realizes after what she's done. it still hurts, and i feel like when our friends talk to other friends about us, we're the couple thats always fighting or that jaime has to deal with living with an asshole... i dont know how to get around these situations. i know she doesnt mean it... but every once in a while, it slips. this put me in a horrible mood for the rest of the afternoon. jaim tried to hold my hand and stuff, but i felt very catatonic. i didnt want to move, think or even eat at suppertime. it was stressing me out so bad that i couldnt continue studying for my exam in the morning. i could also feeling my blood pressure going up. when that happens i really try hard not to talk at all costs.. when i feel like this i feel like i could do bad things (like yell, be physical, or even walk away). this on top of being not ready for my exam has kept my stress level pretty high all night... and its really hard to care enough to keep studying.

i also wanted to cry today... but i cant

second diary entry

dear diary,

it was a good day yesterday... jaim and i both went to work early. turns out we were a little too early, but that beats being late. sarah was a lot nicer to me today, as we worked out our issues the day before. she let jaim, tamarra, and myself use aux 9 most of the day, including when we all went for lunch at mcdonalds lol... the rest of my shift went by quickly, and we were home by 215. we spent the rest of the afternoon just hanging out. around 530 i received a reminder on my blackberry from facebook stating that the birthday potluck i was supposed to attend started at 7. jaim and i decided to honour our commitment to that supper and we got ready to go out. i also had to bake cookies very quickly, as i had nothing else to make lol. the night went well, and when they all decided to go out to the bar we decided to go home. i love going out but jaime doesnt. i dont really like going without her either (i always end up coming hom early because i miss her). i would have liked to go out, but we both have an exam monday and we needed to get up at a decent hour this morning to start studying...

yay more studying!!

First diary entry for counselling

dear diary,

i found out from my counselor the other day that according to some Beck's test that I'm severely depressed.

Was tired today... Didn't really want to go to work at 7 am. Felt pretty good once I got there until one of the supervisors told me my super needed to speak to me. They could not tell me what it was about so I was freaking out. I found out through the grapevine what it was about and kinda made me more upset. I thought again about just leaving... But I know there is nothing but homelessness keeping me there. I feel so trapped. So I got home and did nothing all night. Well not true I did the dishes until my back got tired. My arthritis has been shitty lately, not helping my mood much. I have really wanted to work out this week but can't.


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