journal 3

dear diary,

80% of my day was alright... it got shitty around the same time nathan and sam came over. first of all, i was kinda upset that they hadnt talked to me all weekend (nathan always calls me to play halo lol). i thought at first they wanted a bit of time alone, then i found out they spent the whole weekend with her friends. also, nathan did laundry here... everytime sam is in town, they only come over to do laundry. while they were here, jaim decided to help me out with my phone because its new and i was having problems with it. she wasnt listening to me tell her about the problem, so i asked her to give my the phone back. at this point she decided to belittle me in front of the company, and also start an argument. we've talked about this before but every once in a while she will do it again. i ask her to wait until later to talk about the problem, but she still raises her voice and tries to start an argument. i think she does this on purpose because it always makes me look like an ass, and no matter what i say i always come off as being a controlling jerk. also, i can tell these situations are different from regular arguments because in a regular argument it will escalate on its own, but in these arguments jaim goes from 0-60 instantly, escalating the issue before we even have a chance to discuss it. after the company leaves and i bring it up, she will apologize and say she never meant it... and that she realizes after what she's done. it still hurts, and i feel like when our friends talk to other friends about us, we're the couple thats always fighting or that jaime has to deal with living with an asshole... i dont know how to get around these situations. i know she doesnt mean it... but every once in a while, it slips. this put me in a horrible mood for the rest of the afternoon. jaim tried to hold my hand and stuff, but i felt very catatonic. i didnt want to move, think or even eat at suppertime. it was stressing me out so bad that i couldnt continue studying for my exam in the morning. i could also feeling my blood pressure going up. when that happens i really try hard not to talk at all costs.. when i feel like this i feel like i could do bad things (like yell, be physical, or even walk away). this on top of being not ready for my exam has kept my stress level pretty high all night... and its really hard to care enough to keep studying.

i also wanted to cry today... but i cant