dexter

dear journal,
im amazed at how much i like the effed up dexter morgan. hes so weird yet he has an intense-ness about him. my heartrate literally increases as soon as i start watching the show.

since im watching it online so far, i can skip the intro... it makes me hate eggs and ham. oh and shaving. he totally gives me the heebie geebies in the intro. surprisingly, he has a calming affect on me at the same time. no laughing, yet no sadness or anger. its fucked up sista. fucked up.

anyway...

i'll keep ya posted ;)

& hearts

dear journal,


its been a long time glad to see your face
i knew we'd meet again, another time, another place
can't believe its been so many years
you better grab a chair and a couple of beers.

i miss you <3

- 2 1/2 years now :D

i'll keep you posted ;)

on the road again

dear diary,
so here it is. jaim and i are having a hard time again. we had a pretty heated conversation on the road back to teeb. ive laid it all out on the line again, and hopefully im right and that what is gonna change will help our relationship.
ive already told jaime that i dont expect her to have this changed overnight, but i do hope she puts forth a good effort. if this is the case then i promise babe 100% i'll do the same. i wanna be the perfect man for you so bad, but part of my brain isnt letting me do it. its the part of my brain that says "whats the point." i hate this feeling and i wanna be the man i used to be for you. lets do this. let today suck our dick for once. im fighting for you babe. for us.

i'll keep you posted ;)

hmm...

dear journal,

sorry its been a while... been lazy lately.

not gonna lie ive been feeling like shit lately. physically i mean. i cant figure out why my body is hating me more and more... first it started with bodily aches and pains. i attributed this to my arthirits and the weather. now i have a strained muscle in my back. this is obviously due to my lack of excercise and overall horrible eating behaviour. i just need to get back on track.

lets think about it. i need to stop eating junk, and start exercising again. id love to start walking again. i wish jaime would come with me though. lets face it it would be beneficial to the both of us. the problem isnt that im not commited, its that i lack the external support system that is jaime. she doesnt understand that this is something i need from her greatly. everynight! we need to go for a 30 min. walk. no exceptions. i think this is the best starting point for us. we have the wii fit too which now never gets used. wii fit actually works too... and u dont even have to go anywhere!!! priorities need to be straightened out thats all... work first, play later. so instead of it being an 8.5 hour day at work, im going to consider is a 9 hour day at work, and as soon as i get home, unless jaime is not with me, i will be going for a walk. if she isnt with me i will wait for her to get home, and we will go for a walk BEFORE supper... we can wait the extra half hour. its not that bad if you really think about it.

i know you are getting this post on your phone jaim so please take it into consideration and provide me your feedback on here please (i need the comments lol)

anywho... thanks for listening blogees :P

i'll keep ya posted ;)

gone fishing :)

dear diary,

just chillin here in fort for the weekend. its nice to see my friends and family.
i think im beginning to be out of the party scene.. or at least a different kind of partying. last night was broing as tits to me. i think it was the fact that there was like no one there. and by no one i mean there wasnt enough of MY kind of people there... it was mostly the poeple that i hated/hated me in high school. and for some reason whenever i see them out at the same events i am, i get nervous and am instantly in a bad mood. i dunno how they feel about me either.. cause i think if they were over the highschool bullshit they would actually say hi to me. but they dont. and all my real friends hang out with them too, so my real friends end up ditching me sometimes. ok all the time. because they are the cool crowd and im not. but oh well... who really gives a fuck any more. i just cant wait for my life to begin.

ill keep ya posted ;)

i am not a whore

dear diary,
so ive decided to become a youtube whore.  thats right i said it.  im going to record everything on video and post it all the time.  look out! ready or not here i come!!!!  lol but seriously its kinda cool...

anywho. things have been alright i guess... not like amazing but not really effed up either.  jaim and i are slowly getting back to normal.. i still feel like im getting the shit end of the stick when it comes to certain things. and i realize jaim gets the shit end of others.. i wish she could just think about how we're both getting the shit of the stick, agree to disagree, and go on with our merry little lives.  i really want to stop fighting with her..  its getting to the point where i dont even want to be around her when shes bitching at me.  i think it would help both of us as indivisuals as well as a couple if she could just hold her tongue once in a while.. i dont just start shit with her all the time, but she loves it seems.  its her choice whether or not to start or keep going a fight.  i always want the fight to end.. but she just keeps it going. i think from now on im just going to ignore her until she learns to control herself and choose her battles.

all that being said, things arent as bad as they have been in the passed.. and i look at that as the glass half full :)

i'll keep you posted ;)

Hi my name is Jeremy this is my life

Jeremy Caul

let's keep our composure!!

dear diary,
so cool me and jaim are starting to get along again... and thats great! I just hope we can keep it together in the long run.. i know things start going downhill when we're arent intimate for a while... and im gonna work on that... but i really hope jaim and i can keep this happiness lasting through the rest of our relationship... i dont wanna revert back to being argumentative and snobby to each other - thats not right.  well thats all for now diary.  til next time...

i'll keep you posted ;)

hey bay-bay hey bay-bay

dear diary,
ive had it with these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking plane!!!! - samuel l. jackson... dido ;) i say.  dido...

anyways i just thought id give all my avid readers (you know who you both are) lol... im doing alright i suppose... im not necessarily happy but im not angry/sad/upset either.  im more catatonic i think lol. im still struggling with my baby.  i dont wanna fight with her anymore but she's too much of a ball buster for me to even want to agree to her terms sometimes.  i dunno what im gonna do.. im just hoping that this is the tail end of our 2.5 year slump. im looking forward to the rest of our lives :) <3

i'll keep you posted ;)

suck it jesus

dear diary,
frick kathy griffin is hilarious... im pretty sure she's the best stand up comedian ever... i wish i had the courage to do standup. lol...

anywho.. in terrace.. having a lovely little week of vacation. on my way to robbi's grad though so...

i'll keep you posted ;)

journal... what am i at now?

dear diary,
so yeah ive already decided that im not going to continue the whole "journal # whatever" anymore.  its wasting my life.  so i have some fabulous news... i get to wait til the end of the summer before i know if im in nursing or not.. of course... after having my hopes up... oh well...
not having a good day today... keep thinking about what im going to do if i cant be in nursing next year.  its really hard to not think about it. it really makes me wanna cry.  i have to put mine and jaim's life together on hold another year because of my insolence.  Im disgusted with myself. i know this is my depression talking. but i just pray that i get in. then all this can go away.


i'll keep you posted ;)

journal 18 - wedding bells

dear diary,
yay!... thats all i have to say today ;)

i'll keep you posted ;)

journal 17 - cunts

dear diary,
cunts.. all of em... im so sick of shit going wrong when it just starts going right.  my car got broke into.  why? prob because jaim and i are retards and sometimes forget to lock the door.  i think friggin silver city needs to install some outdoor security cameras.  seriously.  this was the second time there that this has happened.  unnecessary.
so of course i was in a horrible mood.  and of course jaim tried to help me out.  and it somewhat worked.  i think it may have worked completely had my mother not got super pissed off at me (she does this rather than helping me out or getting me better).
i called into work today cause i was super stressed out and i knew i had tons of stuff to do today (get all new gov't cards and shit.
yeah a little bit of stress.. and im still pretty pissed off cause now im out my second ipod and a new gps... like FUCK! but whatevs... im still gonna live. i think ill just try and shrug it off for now and try and move on... maybe focus on the wedding now. hmm... oh well... at least those damn depressed thoughts still arent creeping in.. yet...

i'll keep you posted ;)

journal 16 - meet the fockers

dear diary,
so yesterday was the biggest failure ever. everyone conched out on the party and we ended up leaving rather than sleeping over like we were supposed to. i hate when plans get changed. this put me in a really bad mood and i feel really bad cause jaim was trying to cheer me up as usual but i turned it down everytime. i think i really cheer myself up and thats the way it is. i think i tell her that everytime too... i know it sounds dumb but i really do just need to cool off and think about things on my own when im upset. i dont know how to let her cheer me up. i cant do it. i think if i need something from her i can just ask. im good at knowing what i want. so when i want something i ask for it. jaim is kinda the opposite. she expects it to happen automatically. like when shes in a bad mood, she "needs" me... what that means i sometimes dont know. sometimes it means she wants me to let her get what she wants (childish and reminds me of a spoiled brat) and sometimes she just wants to cuddle.  either way i know how i am... and i dont know if changing it is something i want/need to do. i think being able to deal with shit on my own is fine and i will ask. and if i need jaim to cheer me up, i will let her know that i need her to, even if i dont know what it is will cheer me up

i'll keep you posted ;)

journal 16 - fart frances

dear diary,
woot woot! just chillin this weekend in the fort! had a blast already last night... and now im about to go to my grandpa and grandmas for the night.  this will also be a blast because there will be some family there that i havent seen in a while.

things with me and jaim are still going fairly well even after a stupid moment on my part last night... and i think we are finally starting to come back together.  for a while i felt a lot of resentment from jaim, which kinda hurts right?  but i think things are better again.  i love it when she laughs with/at me... its actually my favourite thing in the world.  i would always be in a good mood if she could laugh all the time.

anywho, ill be on my marry way i suppose.. and im going to be busy this weekend so i may not come back til tm night or even monday. til then...

i'll keep you posted ;)

journal 15 - cheech and chong

dear diary,
yay!!!!! finally after two weeks... but yeah i was beginning to not even care anymore... but now im there again.  i think that im gonna be fine once i get this week out of my system.  work pushes me. hard.  it makes me wanna leave work early to walk around boulevard lol.... but yeah it was fun haha.. i want me and jaim to do that all summer.. maybe even get up early to go do that... bed early! lol
anywho.... another day of work tomorrow and ill be back on.

i'll keep you posted ;)

journal 15 - browner

dear diary,
omg camping was mint.. i had sooooooooooooo much fun and sun...
we went canoeing lol. that was our big outting. we also had a few walks including a really long one to the store on the highway. i was great though.. i had a lot of fun considering i didnt get drunk lol. weird eh?

anyway im doing great.. things with jaim are going great... i think we needed this little vacation.  we are communicating a lot better. i havent felt more like her hubby than lately. and it makes me wanna dance. seriously. it gives me so much energy, and makes me realize that this is forever. im so excited! :D

i'll keep you posted ;)

Gone country

Sorry blogees... Gone camping for the weekend. See ya Sunday!
Sent via BlackBerry® device provided by TBayTel.

journal 14 - the situation

dear diary,
sorry i havent been keeping you posted again... it seems that when im in a good mood that im not really into talking lol...

so the last few days ive been pretty good... other than the occasional outburst of rage or whatever, for the most part i havent felt really depressed.

im really starting to feel the pressure financially... its making things a little crazy. i dont really wanna talk about that though cause it will just piss me off

im soooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited for this weekend though.. im going camping with jaim's fam: beer sun and so much fun... im gonna have spits, bbq, and just chill.

i'll keep you posted ;)

journal 13 - xoxo

dear diary,
i think ive decided to start a little project ;)... its gonna be secret for now.. and maybe forever... but its something i think will be hilarious and i just wanna see if it will come to be anything like it predecessors....

on another note... jaim had a really hard time with her bday the other day.  i know shes starting to have a hard time with things again.. i wish she would be more religious with her pills... its really frustrating. shes good at spending money for no reason. like weight watchers.. she wont fully commit to it.. so she has spent like 200 bucks or more now just to lose 3 pounds.. i cant take a shit and do the same thing... like wtf? i really dont know what to do anymore. i think maybe she needs to hear it from someone else. i really dont like doing the tough love kind of stuff... you know like the "im not paying for you anymore until you've learned your lesson." that kind of stuff... i think she thinks thats just how i am.. but  really its just because SHES LIKE THIS WITH EVERYTHING.. and now ive tried everything else to let her know she needs to change: support, reasoning, compromise... nothing works. and now the tough love stuff is all i resort to with everything.. its all i have left. i just want someone to tell me what to do and say..

also ive been really shitty at supporting her emotionally these days... im having such a hard time on my own that she hasnt been getting the support from me that she used to get... im scared that this is putting a strain on our relationship because she doesnt know how to deal with letting me be while im trying to organize myself... i hate how selfish this sounds but i really dont wanna deal with her bullshit while im trying to deal with my bullshit... and it really is just bullshit.. like 90% of the stuff we fight over or get emotional over is bullshit, and no matter what i say to her she will not trust me enough to believe that she can just learn to let it go...

anywho... my dad was here this weekend and it was great.. it was really nice to have him around... and we're going camping next weekend so i know we will have a tit load of fun!... cant wait for that this weekend.

i'll keep you posted ;)

journal 12 - keep on keepin on

dear diary,
jaim and i had our first convo day yesterday.  after a day of house cleaning, and a short but painful bike ride (lol), we sat out on the balcony for about 15 mins and had a pretty good conversation.  i have a really hard time when jaim and i have these conversations though because i feel like all i do is talk and she just agrees with everything i say.  this was different.  it was nice to have jaim actually communicate with me because i then feel like we are helping each other understand things, not just me talking at her... i hope we can continue these conversation days every sunday.
jaim really wanted to go out for something to eat for our date night... i wish i could have supported her and took her somewhere... i think next week we should go somewhere for a coffee or something.. then it still feels like a date and we're still "going out" but without the expense.
lets try and keep that plan jeremy!

i'll keep you posted ;)

journal 11 - almost cured

dear diary,
i finally decided to go get checked out... im sick of being sick.  i know, i know... i sooooo didnt want the antibiotics. but my dad got me thinking about it and kinda pushed me to take a further step.  i called telehealth this morn and the nurse told me i need to see one today or tomorrow.. so i just called in lol and went today... well im gonna get better at least...
ive been doing relatively well with the whole depression thing too.. ive been in a relatively good mood for the last few days with nothing too crazy.  i think this has to do with all the good news and great distractions including: ive lost 11 lbs now so far, we got a wii fit to exercise with, im pretty sure im getting into nursing, jaim and i are getting along, my and my fam are getting along, etc etc...
but yeah... overall good.

i'll keep you posted ;)

journal 10 - canadian honey

dear diary,
so yesterday was a pretty decent day actually.  we got the wii fit and i tried it out while jaim was at work - it was mint! i had a good amount of fun and i felt great after... today im going to do it again and jaim and i are going to go for a ride on our new bikes when she gets home from work.  im really excited for that... also i got all my marks in, and i got a 74 average for this year's classes... i made an appointment with and admissions officer to see where i stand for gettting into nursing... im really nervous... lets hope i get in!

 i'll keep you posted ;)

journal 9 - huge

dear diary,

so jaim and i had a huge fight today. it was really shitty. i think she is starting to become affected by her depression again.  i feel like im getting attacked every time we fight.  it makes it really hard to have an effective argument. i dont really wanna talk about it again... its really confusing and it was really unnecessary.  just know that i was not the one under the influence of depression for this one.  i was a little crazy, but i just couldnt figure out what to do.
jaim and i got bikes today. im really excited for us to have something to escape the apartment and do together that doesnt involve money (other than the price of the bikes and accessories).

thats all for now... ill keep you posted ;)

journal 8 - the good the bad and the ugly

dear diary,
had another appointment today.  she helped me sort out somethings relationship-wise.  i learned that jaim and i need to take some time to REALLY communicate.  no more of these fights that solve our problems for like all of twelve minutes.  tonight we decided on a "date/communitcation" night.  every sunday we are going to take the time to at least talk thoroughly about our week.  the good the bad and the ugly.  we both decided that the things we discuss from now on are either going to get fixed permanently or not.  either it will be an ongoing issue that we will continue to discuss until it is fixed, or it if we both agree that it is fixed, it will not be brought up again unless its a new issue.  the only reason im posting this plan is because im hoping it will serve as a reminder to both of us that we can push through this as long as we can stick to the plan.  the fact that we even have a plan is more of a step in the right direction.. something we have been lacking for quite some time.  if it doesnt work, then we have the capability of re-evaluation. thats the beauty of a long term relationship... neither of us are willing to give up when things get tough.
we also discussed the idea of me starting medication.  i told her that i dont want to take it, but if she doesnt have the patience or the ability to support me indefinitely while im struggling, then we need to consider me taking medication to at least alleviate a couple of our problems.  we both decided that we'll try to keep going without me being on drugs for now, to see if the counselling will continue to help.
lets see how it goes!!!

ill keep you posted ;)

journal 7

dear diary,
sorry for the break in my writings.  i guess its because generally things have been good.  james moved me teams, and that was a big deal for the rest of my shift wednesday, but since ive been on paula's team, its almost like i dont have any pressure anymore.  its nice to be on a team that actually makes me feel like they want me... its a little more strict, but thats not necessarily a bad thing.
jaim and i had a fight the other night... it was hard to deal with, since i just started a bad headcold also and she started the fight right when we tried to got to bed.  i want her to be able to talk to me when things start bothering her rather than her blowing up at me days or hours later.  its like she holds a subtle grudge against her ex bf, and so when something happens with me, she blends the two grudges and it causes it to be exponentially worse.
other than that, we won a 2 night trip to the states, which will be a nice getaway.  also, i got to visit with some old friends this weekend.  it was really nice to feel like i had friends that wanted to see me.

until next time... seacrest out!

journal 6

dear diary,
the worst day of work every almost. for some reason i was able to manage the anger that i accumed... i think it was the fact that i had someone to talk to today that allowed me to blow off my steam.  she just agreed with me and contributed to the convo as well.  i also brought my meditation balls with me that i got from chapters one time.  it was helpful to just play with them when i wasnt really paying attention to them.  also we didnt take calls like all day due to some technical issues.  so i didnt have time to think about my issues since i was busy conversing with neighbours.  my only big problem was that my super (the one i used to be friends with) moved me to another team because we apparently in conflict of interest now.  we also got in a huge fight that made it harder on myself... because now he will go out of his way to make my life hell there...
yay

oh well day off tomorrow!!!

ttyl diary ;)

journal 5

dear diary,
yesterday was a great day.  at first i was having a hard time thinking about the day before, it actually put me kinda catatonic for a bit.  i felt really bad too cause jaim was trying to get me up and at em' but it wasnt really working.  at my counselor appointment, i learned a few things that might help me: fake it til you make it, breathing, and start to acknowledge my thoughts (eg. as either normal or depressed thinking).  i think these things will help, but i must practice them ahead of time, so that when i have another episode i can rely on those techniques to kick in automatically.
well off to work!

journal 4

dear diary,
so yesterday started off pretty good... i think i did ok on my exam and it was my last exam of the year.  the real fun began when i got to work.
first, someone was sitting in the seat i've had for a year (i know this shouldnt upset me be but it did). I then spent 1/2 an hour trying to find a computer that works. the first 4 computers didnt work.  this frustrated me because apparently they are known to not work (i asked a supervisor to put up signs on them saying they dont work).  so i then asked my supervisor to help me find a computer.  my supervisor used to be a good friend, however we have apparently had a fallout and now its starting to affect our work relationship.  i had to say his name like 5 times before he acknowledged me, then he proceeded to make me feel like a big pain in the ass even though he was just chit chatting with another supervisor.  this was all very frustrating, and i was very upset to start my shift at work.  on top of this bullshit, my first call of the day was a residential customer freaking out because his emails do not work for his business.
the 2 supervisors and another friend from work whom i hang out with all the time were chilling and have some good convo and i guess decided that i was not part of the group today, or at least thats how i felt.  they didnt look at me, say hi, or anything... i had to say hi to them, and they just continued with their convo. normally this wouldnt bother me but they usually are warm and welcoming to me.   oh well, im done trying to be friends with people.  i dont need to be friends with people that are only my friend when they want to be (i wish i could actually do this but i care about my friends too much).  oh and they also all went for lunch together without me.
i feel like such a paranoid freak but i've felt distant from these friends for a while and i wish they would just tell me whats going on.  even if i asked them they would just say nothing's going on.
anyway, that all happened within an hour, and i was extremely upset.  normally i can come out of that mood and just continue with my day. however, i can feel my blood pressure and the rage... this cant be good... heart problems run in my family and that adds to my stress.... these feelings scare me.   i felt like i could have smashed my computer, or just walked off the job.  and once i got in that mood, i could feel myself being critical of everyone around me (the way they looked, or how they were doing their job, etc.). i also get really snappy towards people fast. i feel out of control and i hate this.  i hate myself. i dont want to be this person anymore.
i stayed for 2.5 hours until i could not take it anymore.  i decided to leave early (something i didnt wanna do because i need the money). the bus was going to be another 28 mins so i decided to start walking.  i made it halfway home and the bus came so i took it the rest of the way.  i listened to music the whole time.  not really improving my mood.
then i got home and jaim had a bubble bath and a beer waiting for me.  she really helped me out.  my mood improved significantly once i got home and into that bath.  it was like i just needed someone to care for a second.
i wish i could control myself like used to. it really scares me to think of who i am now.  i want to go back. but i feel out of control. i cant figure out how to change this.  and its getting bad fast. im scared im going to do something stupid to something or someone.  i dont want to hurt anybodyin any way.  but im getting scared that its only getting worse and that this anger inside me is just gonna blow anyday...

School's out.

Omg it feels so good to be done school... Now I just get to be nervous about getting into nursing...
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journal 3

dear diary,

80% of my day was alright... it got shitty around the same time nathan and sam came over. first of all, i was kinda upset that they hadnt talked to me all weekend (nathan always calls me to play halo lol). i thought at first they wanted a bit of time alone, then i found out they spent the whole weekend with her friends. also, nathan did laundry here... everytime sam is in town, they only come over to do laundry. while they were here, jaim decided to help me out with my phone because its new and i was having problems with it. she wasnt listening to me tell her about the problem, so i asked her to give my the phone back. at this point she decided to belittle me in front of the company, and also start an argument. we've talked about this before but every once in a while she will do it again. i ask her to wait until later to talk about the problem, but she still raises her voice and tries to start an argument. i think she does this on purpose because it always makes me look like an ass, and no matter what i say i always come off as being a controlling jerk. also, i can tell these situations are different from regular arguments because in a regular argument it will escalate on its own, but in these arguments jaim goes from 0-60 instantly, escalating the issue before we even have a chance to discuss it. after the company leaves and i bring it up, she will apologize and say she never meant it... and that she realizes after what she's done. it still hurts, and i feel like when our friends talk to other friends about us, we're the couple thats always fighting or that jaime has to deal with living with an asshole... i dont know how to get around these situations. i know she doesnt mean it... but every once in a while, it slips. this put me in a horrible mood for the rest of the afternoon. jaim tried to hold my hand and stuff, but i felt very catatonic. i didnt want to move, think or even eat at suppertime. it was stressing me out so bad that i couldnt continue studying for my exam in the morning. i could also feeling my blood pressure going up. when that happens i really try hard not to talk at all costs.. when i feel like this i feel like i could do bad things (like yell, be physical, or even walk away). this on top of being not ready for my exam has kept my stress level pretty high all night... and its really hard to care enough to keep studying.

i also wanted to cry today... but i cant

second diary entry

dear diary,

it was a good day yesterday... jaim and i both went to work early. turns out we were a little too early, but that beats being late. sarah was a lot nicer to me today, as we worked out our issues the day before. she let jaim, tamarra, and myself use aux 9 most of the day, including when we all went for lunch at mcdonalds lol... the rest of my shift went by quickly, and we were home by 215. we spent the rest of the afternoon just hanging out. around 530 i received a reminder on my blackberry from facebook stating that the birthday potluck i was supposed to attend started at 7. jaim and i decided to honour our commitment to that supper and we got ready to go out. i also had to bake cookies very quickly, as i had nothing else to make lol. the night went well, and when they all decided to go out to the bar we decided to go home. i love going out but jaime doesnt. i dont really like going without her either (i always end up coming hom early because i miss her). i would have liked to go out, but we both have an exam monday and we needed to get up at a decent hour this morning to start studying...

yay more studying!!

First diary entry for counselling

dear diary,

i found out from my counselor the other day that according to some Beck's test that I'm severely depressed.

Was tired today... Didn't really want to go to work at 7 am. Felt pretty good once I got there until one of the supervisors told me my super needed to speak to me. They could not tell me what it was about so I was freaking out. I found out through the grapevine what it was about and kinda made me more upset. I thought again about just leaving... But I know there is nothing but homelessness keeping me there. I feel so trapped. So I got home and did nothing all night. Well not true I did the dishes until my back got tired. My arthritis has been shitty lately, not helping my mood much. I have really wanted to work out this week but can't.


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